Clipped
Alone in the Middle
The Preface: [Unfortunately unedited -- ed.]:
I wrote this in about three hours, with crucial (mainly the 100 pages before the last chapter) knowledge of Midnight's Children missing. I thought it sucked- read the series of metaphors at the end of the 5th paragraph- but I get it back from Mr. Grossman and there's a big 4 at the top! This is no easy feat, and it figures it'd be an essay I hated.
Saleem Sinai of Midnight’s Children and I are very similar people in one aspect. Neither of us allow anyone to come too close on the regular. This mostly stems from being burned on the occasions when we let people in. In a room where we know everyone, we can remain alone.
Saleem’s narration is a great place to see this. He let his family into his circle (though by default really). Upon revealing that they are not his own, he says, “…we all found that it made no difference.” However, the narrative contradicts this. He distances himself from them every time he writes their names. His grandfather- always Aadam Aziz; never Aadam or grandpa or grandfather or Pappy. His sister- forever the Brass Monkey as a child, and Jamila Singer as an adult. His grandmother transforms into the Reverend Mother, overseer and semi-sorceress of the family.
I’ve found myself doing the same thing. For me I do it with girls and how I write and tell my stories about them. One developed into the Perfect Girl (for the time), one the Bitch, one the Rebound, one the Repeat Offender. They have names, which I know, and use when I need to clarify in real life. But in the stories, it’s always the nicknames. It hurts less. But more on that later.
Saleem’s relationship with Padma also shows this distancing. From the beginning of the book, it is very obvious they have some sort of intimate relationship. However, it is ambiguous for a large portion of the book. However, the relationship is eventually clarified as significant others, and then, near the end of the book, the subject of marriage is broached. This is something Saleem has seen coming for some time, and has been excited about. But he says, “Just as I feared!” and goes on to list the reasons why they shouldn’t- “So unexpected!- and what about ectomy, and what was fed to pie-dogs… there is the curse of violent death, think of Parvati!” This reaction exemplifies Saleem’s distancing. He doesn’t want to marry Padma because he is afraid of being hurt. This woman is very much in love with him, and he with her. But he doesn’t want to get married for fear of her becoming another Parvati, dying and leaving him alone, or Evie Burns, throwing him into the crowd. And then he finally reasons himself into doing it, semi-inventing reasons- “…she proposed, and moths of excitement stirred in my guts, as if she… had released me from my fate.” But he brings it all back to staying away because of his past experience- “…reality is nagging at me. Love does not conquer all, except in the Bombay talkies; rip tear crunch will not be defeated by a mere ceremony; and optimism is a disease.”
There were two times this past year I broke from habit and invested myself heavily into relationships. Both ended in spectacular explosions. The first was a “you’re a good friend” letdown and the second resulted in a word-proof barrier being erected between the two of us. Needless to say, I was crushed. There have been times since where I’ve considered entering relationships, but stupidly waited on it to eliminate the chance of getting burned. However, by the time I stopped waiting, the window of opportunity had been shut, and the candle of love snuffed. Flame extinguished.
The final piece of evidence is Saleem’s low number of true friends. This distancing is subconscious, but it seems that there are very few people who really know Saleem. There is Padma, and Parvati, and his immediate “family”, but not much else. Saleem is a man unto himself. There are many people that he has met, or affected, or become friends with. But not many have been allowed into his inner sanctum. This makes goodbyes easy for him to handle. He tells Picture Singh that he must go, and then halfheartedly makes an effort to plea for his friend to join him. Pictureji refuses, saying, “…go, go, quickly go!” And Saleem just leaves. Without a word.
I find myself in this same situation. I know quite a few people, at school, NFTY, at camp, etc. But I can count on just over one hand (not counting the fam) the people that truly know me. There are exactly 7 people who know me for me, and not the façade I put up at school. This is why I have no problems leaving people behind every summer to go to camp, leaving more behind at camp to go to school, quitting the football team, and why I predict no trouble at graduation this coming spring. I will miss the 7 people, none of whom will be attending college with me. But, there will be a few people to fill that gap at college. And thousands more to take the place of the rest. People, classmates, my friends, my boys- I’ve allowed everyone to become replaceable. That way, it doesn’t hurt when they have to go.